Sunny Day But not a Sunny Heart


G baru balik dr gereja ni..n g td jua baru baca blognya jane..
hehehe...reaksi pertama g baca cuman ketawan n nyengir..lol
Soalnya g jua dulu pernah ngalamin kayak gitu n sampe skr jua masi strugle ama masalah yg sama..
Well, buat jane, if u read this ya gal..I've been suffering from dat problem since years ago..
The solution si, I have to admit kalo g tuh males..
Soalnya no matter how smart u are, diligent also very important!!
Jadinya memang si ada unsur keras kepala gk mau disuruh2 org buat belajar or emang darah rebel gitu
Tapi tetep aj males jua penyakitnya trus kl g si jua unsur mudah menyerah..
As u know g itu orgnya isa dibilang gampang nyerah n butuh dukungan org lain bgt..g keseringan kl ud ngadepin masalah yg g gk isa, pasti g lgs give up first deh..tapi setelah dapet dukungan org lain (biasanya temen or nyk g), pasti lgs semangat lg..Trus unsur yg lain tuh mood..kl lg bt, ya ud deh..masi untung gk belajar..bisa2 kl g lg bad mood, g isa marah2in org yg gk salah...

Kl g ni skr sebel bgt ama diri g karna g orgnya gampang marah2...gampang emosian..
G dulu inget loh, pas ditanya apa yg plg lu gk suka dalam diri lu, g ampe bingung...soalnya dulu g berasa I love everything about me..ya g sadar si ada kekurangan, but i thought, ya semua org memang gk ada yg perfect lagian kekurangan g gk parah2 bgt kok...

BUt now..g sebel bgt ama diri g yg suka marah2..
I realize dat semakin lama lu sayang ama org, semakin gampang lu menyakiti hati org tersebut..and pas u realize dat, u hate ur self even more.
Ya g td pas di gereja, g liat si army worship God bener2 free...ampe isa angkat tangan n keliatan with a full heart bgt..
trus part of me feel proud n hapi and the other part evy him..
G ngerasa g udah ditinggal..die kayaknya ud couple steps a head of me..ngerasa di left behind bgt deh...
and g jua ngerasanya gk nyaman..g mikirnya kl die ampe worship n pray kayak gitu berarti ada masalah donk? n g lgs mikir masalahnya pasti g..trus g baca di bible die yg die highlight..semua about forgiveness...how to forgive someone yg udah hurt elu
Trus g lgs sedih..g lgs nyadar, man! I've hurt him dat deep n dat much..ya pembelaan dirinya si, g mikir, but he also hurt me badly rite?cuman somehow, g udah gk ada grudge lg ama die...
G mikir, apa g orgnya terlalu gampang memaafkan org ya? kok kayaknya dia enggak..and semua amarah masi di pendem..
Sedangkan g lebih milih semua amarah di lepaskan sekali saja n abis itu ya lgs ilang semua deh..
But people is different rite..si army ya army, g ya gw...no matter how hard I try, i won't be him..
Trus g merasa bersalah si n skr g jd tambah sebel n benci diri sendiri..
Bener gk si g feeling like this? I don't want to hate my self but I know dat what I did were wrong...
Tapi logika g mengatakan kl mungkin ini artinya g n army gk cocok..mungkin artinya tuh ya kita gk belong together..the more I think about it the more I stressed my self..
G tuh tipe org yg demen berimajinasi...trus demen mempredik..
G sering bgt ngebayangin kl si army ninggalin g dengan berbeda2 alasan or sebab...And yg bakal hurt me the most is if he cheat on me..
Kl die ninggalin g karna g marah2, ya well, I might blame my self but than I will recover....kalo gara2 bosen, ya I can understand lah..tapi kalo gara2 he say dat he has found someone else yg better..man! i will feel like I want to kill somebody..because I will feel dat not only g udah diduain n dihianati, tp g jua feel like I'm such a stupid gal yg udah di take advantage gara2 diduain..g bakal ngerasa harga diri g jatoh bgt!!
Yang plg bikin g marah mungkin gara2 harga diri g kali ya? co pertama g duain g aj tuh g udah benci bgt n it takes me 5 years to forget about it..and if dat happen again..g bakaln trauma kali n gk mau pacaran lg for quite sometimes...

Ya tapi hopefully semua yg kita pikirkan itu cuman ada di dalam pikiran kita..it may happen but it may not happen..
Someone said dat why we think about the future while we can't even think about tomorrow?

Dat is very true n dr pada I hurt n drawn my self in my thought..mendingan g diemin aj..I tried so hard supaya my emosion gk control me..
G baca di buku kalo God wants us to have control in our life...don't let evil takes control..let God takes control...

Ya moga2 g isa deh...hehehe..btw skr g ngantuk bgt ni..I'll sleep for about 1 hours abis itu I need to do hws..

Bye2 my thoughts...